Your words so resonate with me. I'm 70 but running meant so much to me and since early fall 2024 i haven't run due to plantar fasciitis and some tendonitis issues. no treatment is helping and so I had a funeral for running and chose to become a gym rat. But it's not the same. My body looks and feels different, but mind and spirit are still grieving. I wish i could say 'temporary' but there's no guarantee I'll heal.
Perspective is important and sometimes age and suffering illuminate the path. My 98-yr old stepdad is in rehab following 3 weeks in cardiac hospital where he was fighting for his life. Now he still can't take more than a few steps assisted. I'm trying to be content with my abilities today; not what I could do 6 months ago.
Thanks for posting your raw journey. Our pain is individual, but we are not alone in our suffering.
Best wishes to you Amelia. You're still my favorite Spartan.
Aw thank you Linda - these words mean so much to me. You are so right about perspective - best wishes to you (and your stepdad I hope he continues to improve!)
Thank you for being so open and honest with your thoughts and feelings. Life can be such a paradox of having two emotions for one circumstance or situation and it continues to sometimes baffle me to embrace that! I'm hoping you're getting more answers on the pain you have been experiencing and that you might share what's been helping you get back on the road. Always cheering you on!!
I so appreciate your perspective Amelia...and your willingness to share your journey. I have been working to make peace with letting go of a part of my athletic life that was having a negative impact on my relationships and spiritual life. Please keep sharing and keep your chin up!
I feel for you, especially since I’m just getting back to running after three months healing a tendon tear, and my glute & lower back are now talking to me. I feel it helps to lower the bar and take it week by week. My friend who has been on crutches from knee surgery and is getting back to it said, “I can do more this week than last week,” and that made me feel better and made me appreciate small progress.
On the poetry front, I encourage you to sign up for the poem a day by my favorite poet Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer (she has written a poem a day since 2006!) because when her poems come through email, she often has info below them about online and in-person poetry workshops and readings around Colorado. She’s based here near Telluride. https://ahundredfallingveils.com
Hang in there! Life is long, thankfully, with many opportunities for “coming of age” and new discovery. Check out Suleika Jaoud’s Substack today for her perspective on that.
Thanks Sarah!! I appreciate that perspective and I know you are also working your way back. And thank you for the links - going to have to check out both their works - sounds right up my alley. Best to you with your recovery!
While my athletic achievements pale in comparison, I understand the theme and the space and appreciate your willingness to share. 2024 was marked with a tibial plateau stress fracture, a diagnosis of osteoarthritis in both knees and stem-cell (crazy painful, but effective) and PRP injections. I'm making my way back to running with the help of friends, family and Peloton, but I'm also doing more yoga, cycling, weight lifting and, yes, walking. I'm learning to find joy in simply moving and showing up for myself in this way. Perhaps my running will come back better and stronger, and, maybe it won't. The journey is real an so are the feels. I see you and the roller coaster you are on. Whatever the destination, you've got this.
You know, the thing about reading your writing is seeing just how similar we all are in our vulnerability. Thank you, you are so inspiring and awesome. Keep going
What you were able to put into words are the thoughts and feelings that have been tumbling around in my brain for the last 7 years. Chronic back pain brought my competitive running to a screeching halt in 2018. Cycling was always my go to when recovering from and injury or any kind of down time from running. I started pushing my rides, got on Zwift, did some racing. I then discovered gravel riding and took to it immediately. I was able to ride on all the trails that my feet had led me to for decades.
It was something, but it wasn't running. I would beat myself up on the trails, but not like the beatings I would throw myself running. Warming up on a ride Memorial Day 2022 a branch caught my bars and I took a tumble, a slow, uncoordinated fall. I did a quick inventory and had some ankle pain. I sat up and saw as I picked my legs off the ground I saw my left foot still laying on the ground, ankle broken, tibia and fibula.
I endedd up seeing a therapist for a short while afterwards trying to figure out who I was without running and now any kind of physical outlet. I've completely lost the edge I had riding and have been running on and off as much as my body allows, which isn't much. I tried to force something to fill the cup that running did. I'm at the point that I need to start using new cups outside of the fitness realm. Fitness will always be a part of me, but I've learned that it isn't me. I have a violin stashed away somewhere that I last played probably as a teenager. I love woodworking and have ideas in my head on home improvement projects. The hardest part is pulling the trigger, still afraid of "the runner" being stashed away where the violin sits. I've rambled, I apologize. Much of what I've read of yours resonates so loudly with me I've finally felt compelled to respond basically to say thank you.
Ah gosh Brian - that’s such a journey you’ve been on (and really shitty luck I’m sorry). I appreciate hearing this from someone who has been through the loss of sport (in the way we’d like to engage). Appreciate you sharing, means a lot
If valor were officially recognized as an endurance sport, you'd have gold, pretty much always. There are ways you say things, that, because of your past, present and yet to be determined future, hold the power of getting me to the other side of hard in my own present moment, my heart my head. I share ED, ultras, lady lawyering and existential type A drive with you, at least a little. Reading this post, I feel the depth of your words in sync with my own major life changes, loss of identity, frustration, lack of feeling like things can move forward; this in the aftermath of my 45 year old husband's loss two years ago from short and brutal cancer, my struggles with the long term effects of ED, and me now facing a move from our home of 21 years into space and time that I can't predict. I'm doing all I can to feel my way through, like you, and to be open and trust that the path is always ours and we wouldn't want another's. Stay vital, shining one, and know you are needed. Your words change lives (mine) and you remain a champion. There's more to come, and it will be gold.
So glad to receive your email. I think it would be wonderful to read some of your poetry when you are comfortable with that. Good luck filling your cups and please hang in there.
Another good read from you. Since I am older than you I can relate to the hip issues. For several years my hip would bother me when I added mileage, subtracted mileage, did nothing! It was frustrating. I religiously went to a chiropractor & massage, both of which helped me immensely as it was my SI joint not cooperating. I used CBD creams and other topical pain relievers to help. At one point the chiropractor visits failed to help, and the pain or SI joint issue seemed to reduce. This seemed to coincide with when I started using a protein powder with collagen. It's been about a year now and my SI doesn't seem to flare up (knock on wood). Maybe it was in my head like so many running injuries get to be, but I'm sticking with the collagen. Just an idea for you.
Best of luck!
Cheering to see you run again and cross paths at a toughest mudder , an infinity or maybe WTM
Steve Magness talks a lot about this in his newsletter. You are more than a runner. You are someone who, like me, just loves running like crazy. I'm 63 and hope to be running the day I die. But I'm more than a runner. I like to sing in a community choir. I like to make sauerkraut in a jar that ferments for 4 days. I like to volunteer with my wife at the soup kitchen. By the way, I had sciatica bad many years ago and the only thing that helped was 3 epidural steroid injections 2 weeks apart. I had a herniated disc in the L5/S1 joint. Hang in there!
Thank you for sharing all this. I may be coming into my season of “no longer running like I used to” and it’s scaring me because I also know that NOTHING helps my mental health like it. I can’t release my nervous energy or anxiety as well without the physical act of running. I’ve tried biking, yoga, hiking, you name it. But something about running calms my mind and releases something that other forms don’t touch. I actually love hearing that you’re delving into poetry and open mic nites. Cool!
I can relate. I've felt like I have been filling cups without passion: I went through many of the things you wrote about here when I stopped playing basketball. Even lately - I started to feel many of the same things. Blogged about it myself tonight: https://lifelibertypizza.com/2025/02/07/passion-purpose-and-the-space-in-between/
I’m with you in SI joint frustrations! I quickly went from 50k training to wincing putting my pants on over the last couple of weeks. It’s been a thing that flares up for me a few times a year but (once I got it figured out with a great PT) usually goes away after a couple days of stretching and doing the “shotgun” where you lay on your back with your knees up and squeeze something between your knees. It is annoyingly persistent this time and I’m feeling the may race goal slip away. Trying to tap into the ultra mindset and just put one foot in front of the other, find some movement that doesn’t hurt, and not despair at the unknown miles ahead. I can empathize just enough to guess at how hard it must be for you, who has had so many adventures and success and built a life around running far. I don’t have any grand wisdom but I can offer a couple hopefully relevant suggestions for fun diversions. First Devin Kelly (another runner/poet who has dealt with long-term injury) has an amazing substack called Ordinary Plots, which is so thoughtful and emotive, and got me to get poetry finally. Second is a guy named Toby who has a YouTube channel called SketchLoose. His sketching and watercolor methods are really fun and approachable. Best of luck and keep the faith that a full and satisfying life is ahead! It never always gets worse, right?
Thank you for sharing your words and being vulnerable. My journey with ultra running began 25 years ago, about 15 years ago I was told the same thing about my right SI joint.. that it almost acts as if fused, possibly ankylosing spondylitis or connective tissue disorder/autoimmune disorder. So, navigating that is like being in a black hole. My athletic life has ebbed and flowed through good and bad times. It’s directed me inward toward learning to trust myself and be present in my body. I’m currently not able to run without pain due to developing a haglund deformity and bad Achilles. I’m embracing strength training again with enthusiasm while I decide about surgery. Seeking peace in the now while holding to hope. I decided any one diagnosis wouldn’t own me and I didn’t have to accept those labels, focusing on what I CAN do for now. Keep looking for all the small (and big!) wins in each day!
Your words so resonate with me. I'm 70 but running meant so much to me and since early fall 2024 i haven't run due to plantar fasciitis and some tendonitis issues. no treatment is helping and so I had a funeral for running and chose to become a gym rat. But it's not the same. My body looks and feels different, but mind and spirit are still grieving. I wish i could say 'temporary' but there's no guarantee I'll heal.
Perspective is important and sometimes age and suffering illuminate the path. My 98-yr old stepdad is in rehab following 3 weeks in cardiac hospital where he was fighting for his life. Now he still can't take more than a few steps assisted. I'm trying to be content with my abilities today; not what I could do 6 months ago.
Thanks for posting your raw journey. Our pain is individual, but we are not alone in our suffering.
Best wishes to you Amelia. You're still my favorite Spartan.
Aw thank you Linda - these words mean so much to me. You are so right about perspective - best wishes to you (and your stepdad I hope he continues to improve!)
Thank you for being so open and honest with your thoughts and feelings. Life can be such a paradox of having two emotions for one circumstance or situation and it continues to sometimes baffle me to embrace that! I'm hoping you're getting more answers on the pain you have been experiencing and that you might share what's been helping you get back on the road. Always cheering you on!!
Thanks Susan! 🙏🩵
I so appreciate your perspective Amelia...and your willingness to share your journey. I have been working to make peace with letting go of a part of my athletic life that was having a negative impact on my relationships and spiritual life. Please keep sharing and keep your chin up!
Thank you!
I feel for you, especially since I’m just getting back to running after three months healing a tendon tear, and my glute & lower back are now talking to me. I feel it helps to lower the bar and take it week by week. My friend who has been on crutches from knee surgery and is getting back to it said, “I can do more this week than last week,” and that made me feel better and made me appreciate small progress.
On the poetry front, I encourage you to sign up for the poem a day by my favorite poet Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer (she has written a poem a day since 2006!) because when her poems come through email, she often has info below them about online and in-person poetry workshops and readings around Colorado. She’s based here near Telluride. https://ahundredfallingveils.com
Hang in there! Life is long, thankfully, with many opportunities for “coming of age” and new discovery. Check out Suleika Jaoud’s Substack today for her perspective on that.
Thanks Sarah!! I appreciate that perspective and I know you are also working your way back. And thank you for the links - going to have to check out both their works - sounds right up my alley. Best to you with your recovery!
While my athletic achievements pale in comparison, I understand the theme and the space and appreciate your willingness to share. 2024 was marked with a tibial plateau stress fracture, a diagnosis of osteoarthritis in both knees and stem-cell (crazy painful, but effective) and PRP injections. I'm making my way back to running with the help of friends, family and Peloton, but I'm also doing more yoga, cycling, weight lifting and, yes, walking. I'm learning to find joy in simply moving and showing up for myself in this way. Perhaps my running will come back better and stronger, and, maybe it won't. The journey is real an so are the feels. I see you and the roller coaster you are on. Whatever the destination, you've got this.
Ah gosh that sounds like a lot! I hate you are also on this journey but it definitely helps to know there are others out there!
You know, the thing about reading your writing is seeing just how similar we all are in our vulnerability. Thank you, you are so inspiring and awesome. Keep going
Thank you so much for reading!
What you were able to put into words are the thoughts and feelings that have been tumbling around in my brain for the last 7 years. Chronic back pain brought my competitive running to a screeching halt in 2018. Cycling was always my go to when recovering from and injury or any kind of down time from running. I started pushing my rides, got on Zwift, did some racing. I then discovered gravel riding and took to it immediately. I was able to ride on all the trails that my feet had led me to for decades.
It was something, but it wasn't running. I would beat myself up on the trails, but not like the beatings I would throw myself running. Warming up on a ride Memorial Day 2022 a branch caught my bars and I took a tumble, a slow, uncoordinated fall. I did a quick inventory and had some ankle pain. I sat up and saw as I picked my legs off the ground I saw my left foot still laying on the ground, ankle broken, tibia and fibula.
I endedd up seeing a therapist for a short while afterwards trying to figure out who I was without running and now any kind of physical outlet. I've completely lost the edge I had riding and have been running on and off as much as my body allows, which isn't much. I tried to force something to fill the cup that running did. I'm at the point that I need to start using new cups outside of the fitness realm. Fitness will always be a part of me, but I've learned that it isn't me. I have a violin stashed away somewhere that I last played probably as a teenager. I love woodworking and have ideas in my head on home improvement projects. The hardest part is pulling the trigger, still afraid of "the runner" being stashed away where the violin sits. I've rambled, I apologize. Much of what I've read of yours resonates so loudly with me I've finally felt compelled to respond basically to say thank you.
Ah gosh Brian - that’s such a journey you’ve been on (and really shitty luck I’m sorry). I appreciate hearing this from someone who has been through the loss of sport (in the way we’d like to engage). Appreciate you sharing, means a lot
If valor were officially recognized as an endurance sport, you'd have gold, pretty much always. There are ways you say things, that, because of your past, present and yet to be determined future, hold the power of getting me to the other side of hard in my own present moment, my heart my head. I share ED, ultras, lady lawyering and existential type A drive with you, at least a little. Reading this post, I feel the depth of your words in sync with my own major life changes, loss of identity, frustration, lack of feeling like things can move forward; this in the aftermath of my 45 year old husband's loss two years ago from short and brutal cancer, my struggles with the long term effects of ED, and me now facing a move from our home of 21 years into space and time that I can't predict. I'm doing all I can to feel my way through, like you, and to be open and trust that the path is always ours and we wouldn't want another's. Stay vital, shining one, and know you are needed. Your words change lives (mine) and you remain a champion. There's more to come, and it will be gold.
Thank you Rachel this means so much to me. Sending you strength and peace in navigating life 🩵
So glad to receive your email. I think it would be wonderful to read some of your poetry when you are comfortable with that. Good luck filling your cups and please hang in there.
Hi Amelia,
Another good read from you. Since I am older than you I can relate to the hip issues. For several years my hip would bother me when I added mileage, subtracted mileage, did nothing! It was frustrating. I religiously went to a chiropractor & massage, both of which helped me immensely as it was my SI joint not cooperating. I used CBD creams and other topical pain relievers to help. At one point the chiropractor visits failed to help, and the pain or SI joint issue seemed to reduce. This seemed to coincide with when I started using a protein powder with collagen. It's been about a year now and my SI doesn't seem to flare up (knock on wood). Maybe it was in my head like so many running injuries get to be, but I'm sticking with the collagen. Just an idea for you.
Best of luck!
Cheering to see you run again and cross paths at a toughest mudder , an infinity or maybe WTM
Thanks for the tip! Hope our paths cross!
Steve Magness talks a lot about this in his newsletter. You are more than a runner. You are someone who, like me, just loves running like crazy. I'm 63 and hope to be running the day I die. But I'm more than a runner. I like to sing in a community choir. I like to make sauerkraut in a jar that ferments for 4 days. I like to volunteer with my wife at the soup kitchen. By the way, I had sciatica bad many years ago and the only thing that helped was 3 epidural steroid injections 2 weeks apart. I had a herniated disc in the L5/S1 joint. Hang in there!
Thank you for sharing all this. I may be coming into my season of “no longer running like I used to” and it’s scaring me because I also know that NOTHING helps my mental health like it. I can’t release my nervous energy or anxiety as well without the physical act of running. I’ve tried biking, yoga, hiking, you name it. But something about running calms my mind and releases something that other forms don’t touch. I actually love hearing that you’re delving into poetry and open mic nites. Cool!
I can relate. I've felt like I have been filling cups without passion: I went through many of the things you wrote about here when I stopped playing basketball. Even lately - I started to feel many of the same things. Blogged about it myself tonight: https://lifelibertypizza.com/2025/02/07/passion-purpose-and-the-space-in-between/
Hi Amelia:) Do you have any fun plans for the wkend? John
I’m with you in SI joint frustrations! I quickly went from 50k training to wincing putting my pants on over the last couple of weeks. It’s been a thing that flares up for me a few times a year but (once I got it figured out with a great PT) usually goes away after a couple days of stretching and doing the “shotgun” where you lay on your back with your knees up and squeeze something between your knees. It is annoyingly persistent this time and I’m feeling the may race goal slip away. Trying to tap into the ultra mindset and just put one foot in front of the other, find some movement that doesn’t hurt, and not despair at the unknown miles ahead. I can empathize just enough to guess at how hard it must be for you, who has had so many adventures and success and built a life around running far. I don’t have any grand wisdom but I can offer a couple hopefully relevant suggestions for fun diversions. First Devin Kelly (another runner/poet who has dealt with long-term injury) has an amazing substack called Ordinary Plots, which is so thoughtful and emotive, and got me to get poetry finally. Second is a guy named Toby who has a YouTube channel called SketchLoose. His sketching and watercolor methods are really fun and approachable. Best of luck and keep the faith that a full and satisfying life is ahead! It never always gets worse, right?
Thank you for sharing your words and being vulnerable. My journey with ultra running began 25 years ago, about 15 years ago I was told the same thing about my right SI joint.. that it almost acts as if fused, possibly ankylosing spondylitis or connective tissue disorder/autoimmune disorder. So, navigating that is like being in a black hole. My athletic life has ebbed and flowed through good and bad times. It’s directed me inward toward learning to trust myself and be present in my body. I’m currently not able to run without pain due to developing a haglund deformity and bad Achilles. I’m embracing strength training again with enthusiasm while I decide about surgery. Seeking peace in the now while holding to hope. I decided any one diagnosis wouldn’t own me and I didn’t have to accept those labels, focusing on what I CAN do for now. Keep looking for all the small (and big!) wins in each day!