As the nurse brought in my breakfast at 7:30 a.m., I realized I hadn’t left my hospital bed in a week: I had officially taken up residence on a 36 x 80 inch island that would raise my body up in the mornings and lower me down at night as I attempted to sleep under a forced air warming blanket called the “Bair Hugger.” Most nights, I was unsuccessful.
Amelia, you have always been and continue to be inspiring. Your honesty resonates with me as a 56 year old still trying to give myself permission to accept herself, faults and all.
Thank you for sharing that. Sometimes I wonder if inpatient would have made a difference for my journey, I’m pretty sure not. I don’t know at this point I really don’t have hope for a cure I’ve just learned better to live with it. Exercise helps, and while I know it can be a slippery slope I do believe it is overall a healthy endeavor. I tried working at a nutrition clinic for awhile that was a mixed bag, probably not great for me sometimes good for the patients. I actually used you as an example for some of them. The story of that one assholes comment screwing with your badass ultra self. It was unanimous that that comment was stupid and you deserved better, not sure some of them were able to convert that message to themselves. I know I still can’t Anyway keep fighting the good fight. Maybe someday someone will figure it out for all of us. Until then I keep trying.
Wow, I can not put into words how much this text means to me and how beautifully written it is. Thank you for sharing it! You are a very big and important role model for me.
I really appreciate your honesty and openness and love your choice of words.
Your writing about your experiences is quiet good and you being vulnerable tops the list because it takes a lot of courage to be this vulnerable where public can shed your apart. But you still show up and write.
I also deal with the control thing a lot even though all of life revolves on impermanence.
Frankly speaking my internal monologue is a bully but now I don't back down. It sits there but now I doesn't feed the bad wolf much. It is trying to starve it & feed the good wolf more & more. But I am a human after all and I fall prey to my internal monologue sometimes. But no more half assing things in life, no more pressure from family or relatives, no more holding back, no more living inside my own head. Will try to live with all guns blazing out, everybody has got one life in their names and how come we just let the guard down on daily basis. Still trying to preach/incorporate this in daily life. Trying to incorporate self compassion. Listened to Kristen Neff about this and its importance.
Beautiful post AB!!! It takes a long time to realize we aren't broken. Or wait. maybe it takes a long time to know we are broken, and just be OK with all of it.
The kintsugi gold that holds the some of our parts together, it glows. The faults that lie within us, are what makes us uniquely who we are (It also makes us more interesting).
(I am with you on social media, I have given up going down rabbit holes of doom. As runners, we are beings of action, and hang wringing just gets old.)
This resonated with me… I also wondered why I wasn’t like others, and why I needed to go into recovery. Same side of a similar coin. I also have to do the work, every day. But what a gift. We’re both still here! Thank you for sharing.
Always inspired by your words, your honesty, and your insight. I was treated inpatient back in the Wild West 80s, so your writing and descriptions of the treatment methods definitely resonates alot. And the idea of control was drilled in constantly which never felt true for me either. Your words have encouraged me to write and share more of my experiences, and now at age 64 have FINALLY learned to live better with it.
I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but that doesn't mean I don't have it. At 64, most people my age tell ourselves, "I've made it this far so I must be okay." So I feel you and am proud of all the growth you've done!
Maybe you have already thought this but I think there is a book waiting to come out of you - I’ll definitely preorder and be ready to devour it
Thanks Laura! Yeah, I feel like I’m writing it in bits and pieces on Substack - should probably hold some back for the real thing. And thank you!
I thought the same thing! I want to read this book. Great writing.
Amelia, you have always been and continue to be inspiring. Your honesty resonates with me as a 56 year old still trying to give myself permission to accept herself, faults and all.
Thanks Michelle - we are all working through it together!
Thank you for this -- especially the note at the end. Your words have so much power, and your candor is inspiring.
Thank you, Jess 🩵
Thank you for sharing that. Sometimes I wonder if inpatient would have made a difference for my journey, I’m pretty sure not. I don’t know at this point I really don’t have hope for a cure I’ve just learned better to live with it. Exercise helps, and while I know it can be a slippery slope I do believe it is overall a healthy endeavor. I tried working at a nutrition clinic for awhile that was a mixed bag, probably not great for me sometimes good for the patients. I actually used you as an example for some of them. The story of that one assholes comment screwing with your badass ultra self. It was unanimous that that comment was stupid and you deserved better, not sure some of them were able to convert that message to themselves. I know I still can’t Anyway keep fighting the good fight. Maybe someday someone will figure it out for all of us. Until then I keep trying.
100% feel you on learning to live better with it. We are all working through this together! 🩵
Wow, I can not put into words how much this text means to me and how beautifully written it is. Thank you for sharing it! You are a very big and important role model for me.
I really appreciate your honesty and openness and love your choice of words.
Thanks so much!!
I’m so fucking proud of you too🥰
Aw love you Casey!
I’m always inspired by your courage and honesty. I second the book idea and will also preorder. Once again, thank you ❤️
Thank you Siobhan!
Great writing and possibly the start of a memoir. I will link to it in my Wednesday newsletter.
Thank you Sarah, means a lot!
Thank you for sharing! I hold space for all of us that struggle and think we are broken!
Thanks Susan!
Your writing about your experiences is quiet good and you being vulnerable tops the list because it takes a lot of courage to be this vulnerable where public can shed your apart. But you still show up and write.
I also deal with the control thing a lot even though all of life revolves on impermanence.
Frankly speaking my internal monologue is a bully but now I don't back down. It sits there but now I doesn't feed the bad wolf much. It is trying to starve it & feed the good wolf more & more. But I am a human after all and I fall prey to my internal monologue sometimes. But no more half assing things in life, no more pressure from family or relatives, no more holding back, no more living inside my own head. Will try to live with all guns blazing out, everybody has got one life in their names and how come we just let the guard down on daily basis. Still trying to preach/incorporate this in daily life. Trying to incorporate self compassion. Listened to Kristen Neff about this and its importance.
You know I love you and I love your writing and story telling. Raw and truthful, thanks for inspiring us all.
Beautiful post AB!!! It takes a long time to realize we aren't broken. Or wait. maybe it takes a long time to know we are broken, and just be OK with all of it.
The kintsugi gold that holds the some of our parts together, it glows. The faults that lie within us, are what makes us uniquely who we are (It also makes us more interesting).
(I am with you on social media, I have given up going down rabbit holes of doom. As runners, we are beings of action, and hang wringing just gets old.)
This resonated with me… I also wondered why I wasn’t like others, and why I needed to go into recovery. Same side of a similar coin. I also have to do the work, every day. But what a gift. We’re both still here! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Amelia for sharing this. I agree with the others; there seems to be something book-shaped in these essays!
Always inspired by your words, your honesty, and your insight. I was treated inpatient back in the Wild West 80s, so your writing and descriptions of the treatment methods definitely resonates alot. And the idea of control was drilled in constantly which never felt true for me either. Your words have encouraged me to write and share more of my experiences, and now at age 64 have FINALLY learned to live better with it.
I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but that doesn't mean I don't have it. At 64, most people my age tell ourselves, "I've made it this far so I must be okay." So I feel you and am proud of all the growth you've done!