The other day, my dental hygienist made small talk as she cleaned my teeth: “so, do you have any kids?” “Nope,” I sputtered through a mouthful of dental instruments, and quickly changed the subject to something where I could contribute to the conversation.
I’ve frozen eggs, frozen embryos with a partner and still don’t really know my path to kids or no kids…and don’t fall into any category. I have endometriosis so also know it’s harder for people like me to get pregnant but don’t feel the hard edge that others do about this limiting my possible future with a child. I recently got an ovary removed (medically necessary) and my doc was like do you want me to take the uterus too? I couldn’t answer, so it’s still in there but felt tremendous pressure to “have an answer”. I wish our culture held more space for the grey area. And more space in general to talk openly about these issues. Thank you for sharing, always! Would join your group if I lived in Boulder!
There are so many of us existing in that in between! I have frozen eggs and I feel like that makes the indecision worse in a way? Because I know have that option (fully recognizing I’m lucky to have it!)
I completely agree - the paradox is weird! I feel so lucky to have been able to freeze eggs (although it really messed with my hormones for a year), but I also feel like that option intentionally keeps me in the indecision space longer 🤷🏻♀️. Definite a lot of wisdom in the posts of folks that regret overthinking it. Something I’m terrible at but will take away as my own homework from this discussion thread 😂
Amelia, I'm 49 now and childfree by choice. I felt very similar to how you feel from when I was 40ish to 45 years or so. I was definitely grieving the "my window is closing on my fertility" because that effectively meant the decision was being made by my biology and not my mind. I was also grieving the aspect of society pressure that I'm somehow not useful or attractive because I'm not "fertile." This last year--and having 500 solo hiking miles in the rocky mountains to totally evaluate my life (completed the CT)--I've reached a place of complete peace about the whole enchilada. I've not reached menopause yet, but I'm seeing it as my next phase of life wherein I intend to honor my heart/soul in a way I never have before. So, all of this is just a long-winded way of saying--you'll reach a place of peace about all of it and how you feel now is OK--whatever that is. Just don't be too hard on yourself to feel like you need to feel a certain way or that you need to somehow reconcile everything. You have a beautiful life and I'm sure your future will continue to be beautiful!
Thank you for a really great essay about the greyzone! I’m a young mother so not at all in the same reality, but I love to read and learn about different perspectives to better understand the people around me. I feel like this greyzone is more than not the truth for people regardless of whether it happens to be about having kids or not...(or any other factor for that matter). It’s a shame that society tries to push for polar opposites all the time when 50shades of grey probably would make us all more understanding and respectful of each other.
I met my partner at 38, and we conscientiously chose not to have children. It's a path I considered long before meeting him and yet still grieved when it became the "official" path we were taking (it hit me hard on my 42nd birthday, which was exactly three years ago today); I still sometimes imagine the path not taken. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this gray zone. I believe that being a parent could have been beautiful (and hard), while knowing that life as it is is beautiful (and hard). Thank you for your honest and heart-felt reflections on this topic, and I hope that more people -- including parents -- can be open about the complexities of the choices they made in regard to having children or not and that everyone can respect those choices.
I’m child-free by choice but I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been vehemently opposed to the notion. I grew up in a culture that heavily emphasizes motherhood (Mormon) and had a lot of pressure from all sides. I just assumed one day I’d have children and spent my 20s avoiding thinking about it. At age 30 I lost a long-term relationship and finally did the soul searching necessary to make the decision for myself. I feel grateful that life circumstances at the exact right time forced me to give deep consideration to both sides. I never once questioned my choice once I made it.
Will I have regrets if I make it to 80? I still doubt that. It’s true, I have 7 nieces and nephews that I hope to cultivate a relationship with. I am close with both of my sisters. I highly value having family in my life and so I make an effort with my cousins as well. As you noted, one must decide to build strong relationships. Even if you have a bunch of kids, if you fail to prioritize the relationships, they may not still be in your life at the end.
When it comes to doing the work, I’m far from perfect. But I believe that if I keep trying, I won’t end up being one of those people who drives myself to the hospital to die and the car ends up still parked in the garage months later. Or maybe that is how it ends … it’s just another reminder to live fully and intentionally while we’re alive.
Though not exactly in the same position I am also without children, and this whole post speaks to me fully. Sending you love on being your whole-est self and this journey we call life
I'm 36, single, no kids. I haven't chosen to be single/without children, but instead, I've just not met the right guy yet. I think God places us in each situation throughout our lives to teach us and to help us grow/gain perspectives etc. to prepare us for what's to come!! So don't give up on marriage and children if that's what your heart desires. God's plan doesn't always "fit" the standards. God's plan doesn't always go "step one, step two, step three". His plan unfolds in His perfect timing, and it's always better than you could ever imagine. Keep your head up and your heart open. Never know what the goodness of tomorrow may bring 💕💕
This is so relatable to me! I’m somewhere between child free and child less. When I was much younger, I always envisioned myself pregnant and caring for a baby/kid. As I got older (and after working as a nanny and helping raise my much younger sibling) I was aware of the realities of it and my feelings changed, I thought I would figure it out later. The right man never presented himself, I was in a long term relationship for a while, but I knew he was too irresponsible to be a parent and that I would end up single, resentful & miserable. Doing it fully on my own never occurred to me, I don’t make enough money to give a kid the life I want to give them.
Now I’m 48, and I have a great circle of female friends who are also child free, for various reasons (didn’t want/health issues/ single etc) and my parents never pressured me about kids either. Both of my brothers have small kids, and I try my best to be involved in their lives.
My Mom is disabled now, and doing worse every year, I’ve been so caught up in caring for her that I don’t know how I’d manage if I had my own relationship/family. So maybe this is how it was all supposed to work out. But I still feel pangs of envy sometimes when I see my peers having babies.
Thanks for this thought provoking post (and sorry my comment got so long lol)
I’m 35 and a cancer survivor, can’t have my own biological kids but this was an ironic twist - I never really wanted them anyway. Well, sometimes I assumed that having children is just going to “happen” to me but now I think that maybe it was not meant to be. So I feel I’m also in between two camps and I feel hard to relate with either.
I would love to find a community of women without kids who have passion for life and doing fun things together! Most of my friends have kids by now and I feel we go farther and farther away from each others…
I’m at the age now where the conversation about kids is constantly being brought up by my mom. I am married and moved to Sweden for almost 2 years now and she is constantly giving me advice of when you have a kid and if you don’t have a kid you’ll be alone in a foreign country as I have a very small family - She says I need to think of my future and if my husband and I don’t stay together forever I’ll be all alone with no one.
Growing up I didn’t want kids and whenever I told my mom that, she’d get really upset so I decided to just “play along”, but now the thought of having a kid is growing on me as I get older. I’d like to have a kid but I want my own kid. My husband on the other hand would like a kid but is plagued by the morality of bringing a kid into this burning furnace of a world. So now we’re stuck in this middle ground of: to have a kid or not and I am struggling with how to “convince” my husband of having one of our own when he would prefer to adopt. I’d be happy without a kid (I think) but there is also a lot of pressure from our parents. It’s hard.
I can imagine it can be even harder when partnered because people “expect” you to have kids (I’m single so don’t have that expectation). Appreciate you sharing and wishing you the best!!
Great post and it speaks to me as well even though I'm not child-free or childless. My son J is currently a junior in college, so in some ways I am very much child-free and I am also single at 42 and have been more then not the last 20 years. I also have now lost both parents, so I very much have the 2am thoughts of what am I going to do with the 2nd part of my life? Not sure exactly what that will be, but its a work in progress
I loved reading this so much - I am 60 had 3 children but boy did I learn a lot from being a parent. I truly think having children is different than most people imagine. What I’ve gotten out of it is growth. As someone born in the 60 s we didn’t even think there was another path- well at least I didn’t. We all got married so young had kids so young and then finally later in life began the journey to truly “know” thyself. I believe life can be full of all the lessons love growth and change we will ever need with children or not - to me our journey as humans is more about personal growth and discovery and LOVE !!! Xo Dawn
I am child-free. I am 49 and going through a reasonably rough perimenopause experience. I am married and have two step kids that I've done my best to help shape into decent adults.
I feel for and with you. All my life I just knew I didn't want kids ... my mum did family day care so there were always small humans in our house as we grew up. I liked them, but not enough to want my own!
My sister has three kids and between these five I have enough. Our parents are gone already.
I too have had the 2am thoughts about "what if I had", and "no one exists to carry on my specific genealogy" but its too late for that now. Sometimes this upsets me a little, sometimes a lot.
And yes, people's misguided concern, sympathy or sometimes barely disguised contempt of my choice to not breed makes me want to scream obscenities in their face.
Anyway, all I really wanted to say was I hear you, and I see you xx
I'm 49 and child free by circumstance. I don't regret not having children. But I do regret the amount of time I spent when
I was younger, thinking that it was the only path to happiness.
Ohhhh you absolutely nailed this. Thank you 🙏🩵
This resonates deeply with, it seems, many of your readers – myself included. Thanks for your vulnerability and for the conversation.
I’ve frozen eggs, frozen embryos with a partner and still don’t really know my path to kids or no kids…and don’t fall into any category. I have endometriosis so also know it’s harder for people like me to get pregnant but don’t feel the hard edge that others do about this limiting my possible future with a child. I recently got an ovary removed (medically necessary) and my doc was like do you want me to take the uterus too? I couldn’t answer, so it’s still in there but felt tremendous pressure to “have an answer”. I wish our culture held more space for the grey area. And more space in general to talk openly about these issues. Thank you for sharing, always! Would join your group if I lived in Boulder!
There are so many of us existing in that in between! I have frozen eggs and I feel like that makes the indecision worse in a way? Because I know have that option (fully recognizing I’m lucky to have it!)
I completely agree - the paradox is weird! I feel so lucky to have been able to freeze eggs (although it really messed with my hormones for a year), but I also feel like that option intentionally keeps me in the indecision space longer 🤷🏻♀️. Definite a lot of wisdom in the posts of folks that regret overthinking it. Something I’m terrible at but will take away as my own homework from this discussion thread 😂
Amelia, I'm 49 now and childfree by choice. I felt very similar to how you feel from when I was 40ish to 45 years or so. I was definitely grieving the "my window is closing on my fertility" because that effectively meant the decision was being made by my biology and not my mind. I was also grieving the aspect of society pressure that I'm somehow not useful or attractive because I'm not "fertile." This last year--and having 500 solo hiking miles in the rocky mountains to totally evaluate my life (completed the CT)--I've reached a place of complete peace about the whole enchilada. I've not reached menopause yet, but I'm seeing it as my next phase of life wherein I intend to honor my heart/soul in a way I never have before. So, all of this is just a long-winded way of saying--you'll reach a place of peace about all of it and how you feel now is OK--whatever that is. Just don't be too hard on yourself to feel like you need to feel a certain way or that you need to somehow reconcile everything. You have a beautiful life and I'm sure your future will continue to be beautiful!
Thank you so much - this helps a bunch!
Thank you for a really great essay about the greyzone! I’m a young mother so not at all in the same reality, but I love to read and learn about different perspectives to better understand the people around me. I feel like this greyzone is more than not the truth for people regardless of whether it happens to be about having kids or not...(or any other factor for that matter). It’s a shame that society tries to push for polar opposites all the time when 50shades of grey probably would make us all more understanding and respectful of each other.
Wishing you all the best 🙏🏼
I met my partner at 38, and we conscientiously chose not to have children. It's a path I considered long before meeting him and yet still grieved when it became the "official" path we were taking (it hit me hard on my 42nd birthday, which was exactly three years ago today); I still sometimes imagine the path not taken. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this gray zone. I believe that being a parent could have been beautiful (and hard), while knowing that life as it is is beautiful (and hard). Thank you for your honest and heart-felt reflections on this topic, and I hope that more people -- including parents -- can be open about the complexities of the choices they made in regard to having children or not and that everyone can respect those choices.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I think there are so many of us who live in that nuance
I’m child-free by choice but I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been vehemently opposed to the notion. I grew up in a culture that heavily emphasizes motherhood (Mormon) and had a lot of pressure from all sides. I just assumed one day I’d have children and spent my 20s avoiding thinking about it. At age 30 I lost a long-term relationship and finally did the soul searching necessary to make the decision for myself. I feel grateful that life circumstances at the exact right time forced me to give deep consideration to both sides. I never once questioned my choice once I made it.
Will I have regrets if I make it to 80? I still doubt that. It’s true, I have 7 nieces and nephews that I hope to cultivate a relationship with. I am close with both of my sisters. I highly value having family in my life and so I make an effort with my cousins as well. As you noted, one must decide to build strong relationships. Even if you have a bunch of kids, if you fail to prioritize the relationships, they may not still be in your life at the end.
When it comes to doing the work, I’m far from perfect. But I believe that if I keep trying, I won’t end up being one of those people who drives myself to the hospital to die and the car ends up still parked in the garage months later. Or maybe that is how it ends … it’s just another reminder to live fully and intentionally while we’re alive.
I love this perspective so much - thank you for sharing ❤️
Though not exactly in the same position I am also without children, and this whole post speaks to me fully. Sending you love on being your whole-est self and this journey we call life
Thank you!!
I'm 36, single, no kids. I haven't chosen to be single/without children, but instead, I've just not met the right guy yet. I think God places us in each situation throughout our lives to teach us and to help us grow/gain perspectives etc. to prepare us for what's to come!! So don't give up on marriage and children if that's what your heart desires. God's plan doesn't always "fit" the standards. God's plan doesn't always go "step one, step two, step three". His plan unfolds in His perfect timing, and it's always better than you could ever imagine. Keep your head up and your heart open. Never know what the goodness of tomorrow may bring 💕💕
This is so relatable to me! I’m somewhere between child free and child less. When I was much younger, I always envisioned myself pregnant and caring for a baby/kid. As I got older (and after working as a nanny and helping raise my much younger sibling) I was aware of the realities of it and my feelings changed, I thought I would figure it out later. The right man never presented himself, I was in a long term relationship for a while, but I knew he was too irresponsible to be a parent and that I would end up single, resentful & miserable. Doing it fully on my own never occurred to me, I don’t make enough money to give a kid the life I want to give them.
Now I’m 48, and I have a great circle of female friends who are also child free, for various reasons (didn’t want/health issues/ single etc) and my parents never pressured me about kids either. Both of my brothers have small kids, and I try my best to be involved in their lives.
My Mom is disabled now, and doing worse every year, I’ve been so caught up in caring for her that I don’t know how I’d manage if I had my own relationship/family. So maybe this is how it was all supposed to work out. But I still feel pangs of envy sometimes when I see my peers having babies.
Thanks for this thought provoking post (and sorry my comment got so long lol)
I really appreciate you sharing this! It helps to hear others experiences!
Thank you so much for sharing! It’s beautiful 💙
I’m 35 and a cancer survivor, can’t have my own biological kids but this was an ironic twist - I never really wanted them anyway. Well, sometimes I assumed that having children is just going to “happen” to me but now I think that maybe it was not meant to be. So I feel I’m also in between two camps and I feel hard to relate with either.
I would love to find a community of women without kids who have passion for life and doing fun things together! Most of my friends have kids by now and I feel we go farther and farther away from each others…
I really enjoyed reading this!
I’m at the age now where the conversation about kids is constantly being brought up by my mom. I am married and moved to Sweden for almost 2 years now and she is constantly giving me advice of when you have a kid and if you don’t have a kid you’ll be alone in a foreign country as I have a very small family - She says I need to think of my future and if my husband and I don’t stay together forever I’ll be all alone with no one.
Growing up I didn’t want kids and whenever I told my mom that, she’d get really upset so I decided to just “play along”, but now the thought of having a kid is growing on me as I get older. I’d like to have a kid but I want my own kid. My husband on the other hand would like a kid but is plagued by the morality of bringing a kid into this burning furnace of a world. So now we’re stuck in this middle ground of: to have a kid or not and I am struggling with how to “convince” my husband of having one of our own when he would prefer to adopt. I’d be happy without a kid (I think) but there is also a lot of pressure from our parents. It’s hard.
I can imagine it can be even harder when partnered because people “expect” you to have kids (I’m single so don’t have that expectation). Appreciate you sharing and wishing you the best!!
Such a brave and honest perspective. We should all be so vulnerable. Thanks for this, we learn from you.
🙏🙏
Great post and it speaks to me as well even though I'm not child-free or childless. My son J is currently a junior in college, so in some ways I am very much child-free and I am also single at 42 and have been more then not the last 20 years. I also have now lost both parents, so I very much have the 2am thoughts of what am I going to do with the 2nd part of my life? Not sure exactly what that will be, but its a work in progress
I feel like it’s a common feeling in this era of life!
I loved reading this so much - I am 60 had 3 children but boy did I learn a lot from being a parent. I truly think having children is different than most people imagine. What I’ve gotten out of it is growth. As someone born in the 60 s we didn’t even think there was another path- well at least I didn’t. We all got married so young had kids so young and then finally later in life began the journey to truly “know” thyself. I believe life can be full of all the lessons love growth and change we will ever need with children or not - to me our journey as humans is more about personal growth and discovery and LOVE !!! Xo Dawn
I love this perspective- thank you so much for sharing!!!
I am child-free. I am 49 and going through a reasonably rough perimenopause experience. I am married and have two step kids that I've done my best to help shape into decent adults.
I feel for and with you. All my life I just knew I didn't want kids ... my mum did family day care so there were always small humans in our house as we grew up. I liked them, but not enough to want my own!
My sister has three kids and between these five I have enough. Our parents are gone already.
I too have had the 2am thoughts about "what if I had", and "no one exists to carry on my specific genealogy" but its too late for that now. Sometimes this upsets me a little, sometimes a lot.
And yes, people's misguided concern, sympathy or sometimes barely disguised contempt of my choice to not breed makes me want to scream obscenities in their face.
Anyway, all I really wanted to say was I hear you, and I see you xx
Thank you, Ann, and thank you for validating and sharing ❤️