Thank you for being so honest and expressing what I also feel and wrestle with around this “childfree by circumstance” situation in such a thoughtful and eloquent way. I don’t have the frozen eggs “insurance policy” but I completely understand the never wanting to do it without a partner who would actually show up as a full equal partner. No wise words, only deep gratitude for your vulnerability. 🙏🏼
Wow. Just wow. The energy it takes to create these Substack posts. You are helping many more people than you realize by putting your thoughts to paper. Thank you for this.
Ever considered writing a book? You have significant writing talent.
your willingness and consideration to write about your experience is like your own unique idiosyncrasy - your writing is humane, and that’s why it comes off better than honest - thankyou
This is such a thoughtful piece, thank you for sharing. My best friend has chosen not to have biological children but volunteers as a CASA (court appointed social advocate) for a foster child and it has been very fulfilling for her. It’s also been super eye opening to witness how very little consistency a lot of foster children have from adults in their lives and she’s been able to help fill that gap over the last several years. Anyways, not advice, but just sharing in case that’s something that ever speaks to you! There are so many important roles to play in the lives of children other than mother.
My wife and I decided not to have children many years ago when we got married. Recently due to health issues she needs to change from the birth control pill and was given several crappy options, so I decided I should have a vasectomy, which is scheduled for early April. While I am certain don't want to have kids, I still also feel a little nervous about all this, so I kinda relate to a lot of these feelings. I probably should have just did this years ago. I wonder how I will feel after. I do think I should get a trip to Vegas or something beforehand....right?
Interesting - hadn’t thought of that perspective and can completely see how it’d be similar for men in that position. The finality perhaps? And yeah, definitely Vegas 😅. Hope you are well!
Amelia, this is beautiful. I came to your substack as a fellow female endurance athlete and have stayed for so much more. Thank you once again for your honesty, vulnerability, and pure courage. Love and light
Thanks for sharing this tender writing. Lois Tonkin's book, "Motherhood Missed," is a collection of stories along similar lines (the subhead on it is "Stories from Women Who Are Childless by Circumstance"). You are not alone in the complexities. Appreciate you taking the time to write and share so vulnerably about it all.
Just beautiful...as always. I have no wise words or anything that would make this any easier on you. Just to say how much I admire you and I know in my heart the universe is conspiring always to give you the life you deserve.
You’re allowed to feel how you feel in this. It’s ok to be confused. Hoping you find peace in the decisions you’ve made and the circumstances of living. Godspeed Amelia.
My wife and I spent years wondering if we wanted kids.. then years trying to have kids naturally, then 3 rounds of IVF, and now about to start fostering with the hopes to adopt. I can relate to this so much. It’s especially challenging to talk to people about this, even friends and family. The “advice” usually falls flat. It’s a secret painful club that I never thought I would be a member of. But life is full of lessons and some of the best ones come from hardship. Just remember that whatever you decide to do IS the right decision :)
Thanks so much Alex - appreciate you sharing your own journey. I can imagine that’s been insanely tough along the way for you and your wife. The fostering path is still very much on my mind - best to you with that!
As someone who stumbled upon single-parent fatherhood by chance, I always read your thoughts on this matter with a sense of embarrassed guilt. The joys of fatherhood (she's your age exactly and I raised her on my own) came to me by accident. So all I want to do now is just thank you for sharing your soul so freely. As a public consumer of your words, I feel lucky. As someone who met you once in person (your last RAGBRAI; you made a pair of personal videos for a friend of mine running the Javelina 100K), I feel a deeper connection with you that leaves me feeling all the more supportive of your soul and aspired peace of mind. Thank you for sharing all you feel with the trust that there are those of us out there who want to listen and want to relate.
My son will be three years old soon & my daughter has been doing her thing for 16 months now. Doing my best to raise a couple dragon slayers in this wild world. The great Dave Chappelle truly did say it best that your capacity for Love explodes when you have a child. I think you'll be an absolutely incredible Mother when the time is right. You're always so thoughtful & benevolent, as well as one hell of a role model young lady. Keep kicking ass Amelia!
Thank you for being so honest and expressing what I also feel and wrestle with around this “childfree by circumstance” situation in such a thoughtful and eloquent way. I don’t have the frozen eggs “insurance policy” but I completely understand the never wanting to do it without a partner who would actually show up as a full equal partner. No wise words, only deep gratitude for your vulnerability. 🙏🏼
Thank you, Laura! I think there are a lot of us out there
Wow. Just wow. The energy it takes to create these Substack posts. You are helping many more people than you realize by putting your thoughts to paper. Thank you for this.
Ever considered writing a book? You have significant writing talent.
Thanks! Definitely in the plans!
your willingness and consideration to write about your experience is like your own unique idiosyncrasy - your writing is humane, and that’s why it comes off better than honest - thankyou
Thank you so much - that actually really means the world to me
This is such a thoughtful piece, thank you for sharing. My best friend has chosen not to have biological children but volunteers as a CASA (court appointed social advocate) for a foster child and it has been very fulfilling for her. It’s also been super eye opening to witness how very little consistency a lot of foster children have from adults in their lives and she’s been able to help fill that gap over the last several years. Anyways, not advice, but just sharing in case that’s something that ever speaks to you! There are so many important roles to play in the lives of children other than mother.
Thank you so much! That is actually a route I’m looking into 🩵
My wife and I decided not to have children many years ago when we got married. Recently due to health issues she needs to change from the birth control pill and was given several crappy options, so I decided I should have a vasectomy, which is scheduled for early April. While I am certain don't want to have kids, I still also feel a little nervous about all this, so I kinda relate to a lot of these feelings. I probably should have just did this years ago. I wonder how I will feel after. I do think I should get a trip to Vegas or something beforehand....right?
Interesting - hadn’t thought of that perspective and can completely see how it’d be similar for men in that position. The finality perhaps? And yeah, definitely Vegas 😅. Hope you are well!
Amelia, this is beautiful. I came to your substack as a fellow female endurance athlete and have stayed for so much more. Thank you once again for your honesty, vulnerability, and pure courage. Love and light
Thank you, Allison! That means so much to me
Thanks for sharing this tender writing. Lois Tonkin's book, "Motherhood Missed," is a collection of stories along similar lines (the subhead on it is "Stories from Women Who Are Childless by Circumstance"). You are not alone in the complexities. Appreciate you taking the time to write and share so vulnerably about it all.
Ah thank you Yitka - will have to check it out!
Just beautiful...as always. I have no wise words or anything that would make this any easier on you. Just to say how much I admire you and I know in my heart the universe is conspiring always to give you the life you deserve.
Thanks Susan!
You’re allowed to feel how you feel in this. It’s ok to be confused. Hoping you find peace in the decisions you’ve made and the circumstances of living. Godspeed Amelia.
Thanks Ben!
My wife and I spent years wondering if we wanted kids.. then years trying to have kids naturally, then 3 rounds of IVF, and now about to start fostering with the hopes to adopt. I can relate to this so much. It’s especially challenging to talk to people about this, even friends and family. The “advice” usually falls flat. It’s a secret painful club that I never thought I would be a member of. But life is full of lessons and some of the best ones come from hardship. Just remember that whatever you decide to do IS the right decision :)
Thanks so much Alex - appreciate you sharing your own journey. I can imagine that’s been insanely tough along the way for you and your wife. The fostering path is still very much on my mind - best to you with that!
Thanks Amelia, I’ll report back with an update on that!
Personally, child free by decision. Sending you lots of love and no hurry to make your decision 💜
Thank you!
So beautiful and touching, Amelia! As a husband and father of two, I thankfully never had to make such gut-wrenching decisions. Thank you for sharing.
That sounds really tough. ♥️
As someone who stumbled upon single-parent fatherhood by chance, I always read your thoughts on this matter with a sense of embarrassed guilt. The joys of fatherhood (she's your age exactly and I raised her on my own) came to me by accident. So all I want to do now is just thank you for sharing your soul so freely. As a public consumer of your words, I feel lucky. As someone who met you once in person (your last RAGBRAI; you made a pair of personal videos for a friend of mine running the Javelina 100K), I feel a deeper connection with you that leaves me feeling all the more supportive of your soul and aspired peace of mind. Thank you for sharing all you feel with the trust that there are those of us out there who want to listen and want to relate.
Ah thanks so much Tim! I remember our RAGBRAI time together fondly. Hope you are doing well!!
My son will be three years old soon & my daughter has been doing her thing for 16 months now. Doing my best to raise a couple dragon slayers in this wild world. The great Dave Chappelle truly did say it best that your capacity for Love explodes when you have a child. I think you'll be an absolutely incredible Mother when the time is right. You're always so thoughtful & benevolent, as well as one hell of a role model young lady. Keep kicking ass Amelia!
Thank you Joshua, and hope you are doing well!
I also love that Cheryl Strayed quote - it’s the one that helped me decide I wanted to try to have a kid. I may need it framed too!